Faux Best Interest


If there was ever a terrifying thought for any introvert, then it should be representing your company at a trade show. It sounds pure torture. So yesterday when I was asked if I would work at the Good food and Wine show I was wondering what these people were thinking. Firstly, I am no sales person and definitely not outgoing. I struggle to make small talk with a dog, let alone a human. Luckily they had a great selling point as to why I should accept: “You might actually meet someone at the show”.

Thanks for turning my lack of a boyfriend into a selling feature so that I can cover for you while you could not plan to be present at the show yourself. That annoyance aside, the portion that bugs me the most is what gives these people the right to even say something like it? Yes I am 34 and single, don’t have any prospects of a potential boyfriend on the radar, but what gives them the right to reduce my personal and painful situation into what feels like a punch line for a joke at my expense?

To say that this angers me and annoy me, well that is an understatement.


Turning 30


It is just after midnight and I just turned 30! For most people this is a major train smash, leaving their twenties… I thought I would have more angst about it myself, but as it turned out, my angst came on my 29… I think as the last year settles and I move into this new one, I am ready for being 30.

I was never a terrible teenager. I think my parents have had the easiest job in the world to raise me. I never wanted a motor cycle; I had at that stage in my life no desire to drink… I can honestly say I was never drunk before. I never went through the wild experimental stage, I never wanted to smoke, and in fact, I detest smoking so much, that I only have one smoking friend…

My twenties were my crisis years. Unlike other people, that push them self to experience new things and discover who they are and what they want, I was working hard not too… I battled about being gay, the consequences of it… leading to depression, helplessness, low self worth and ultimately to being severely overweight.

Turning 28 was my turning point. In New York, I realised that without thinking about it, I have achieved one of my goals, to travelling, getting away from home and living on my own. To be actually twenty…  It was that power within that gave me the guts to accept my sexuality, a fact I should not hide nor can change. The year that followed was a storm of events, dating for the first time, losing weight, exercising, meeting someone special (or so I thought), having your heart broken…it was a busy year…

Then 29 stormed by and the angst started. I wanted to do so much before I turned 30 and time was running out… but I have not done to badly: I had a romance, for 8 weeks I fall deeply madly irresponsible in-love, knowing that it would end in tears and a lot of hurt, yet, I just did not care. I felt free and seriously in love for the first time in my life… Then I came home, I started a new career, I moved into my own space, which later by accident became my first home and property…

I have also met someone that makes me smile most days and that care for me greatly and someone I care for greatly. This time the love is different, it is not perfect but it is real and I know that we can build on it and expand it and that is what is special about it…

I think people fear turning 30 because they are now expected to be mature, grown up, responsible. I think they associate it with a time they no longer can be the things that makes being twenty so great.

That brings me to me, being 30… In many ways, I think I have always been 30: I have always been very serious and responsible…most days I wish I were not like that. I think my wish for myself this year and for my rest of my life is to be a little twenty every once in a while: Dare to be free, dare to experience, dare to push yourself, be you and just have some fun…



The year started with a desperate need to get back to New York for some reflection and perspective. Thinking back, I was a bit lost at the end of 2008 and I hoped that New York would give me freedom piece and direction again.

What I found instead was something unexpected. I found happiness, like I have never felt before. I met a wonderful man, one that validated my choices and proved to me that one can be happy, loved, and free in all things emotional and physical. For 8 weeks of my life, I was completely free and felt loved and appreciated for the first time in my life. Looking back, I knew that it could not last, but I could not care less. Nothing says gay and free like walking down the street of one of the greatest cities in the world holding hands with another man.

It is funny, because once I got home I felt trapped. How do I tell him I do not want this to continue? In the end, I was immature and stupid and I have hurt him greatly. Enzo if you read this, I hope one day you will find it in your heart to forgive me. I did love you and some days I hope I could be as happy as we were for those eight unforgettable weeks! You gave me that, and know that I will never forget you or our time shared.

What followed New York was probably some of the most exhilarating and fearful time in my life. If I was not on such a high after New York, I doubt I would have made it. In the end, I had some luck. I got a job just in time before I went insane and it has been good to me! I was lost in hell with my previous job, the challenges of working here have ignited my passion in me and for the first time in a while, I enjoy getting up in the morning to go to work.

Coming with the new job was also the second big change, moving out. What always sounded as an easy thing to do turn out to be not so easy. Finding a place, simple, yes? No! It took almost 6 weeks but in the end, I found the one, so much so that I ended up buying it! Now if anyone told me that at the end of 2009 I would be a homeowner I would say….NO WAY IN HELL!

Again, some luck was involved but I am very happy I did it. I am still terrified every time I think about it.

Relationships wise I made some good choices and some not so good. I made some very big mistakes and I have some regrets. In the end, I am mostly happy with the way things have turned out. The middle of 2009 I had several options going, looking to relive my feeling in New York. I could sum it up like this:

  • I should have kissed him that afternoon, I have not seen him since, now I just wonder…
  • The confused should be left confused, no happiness there, only pain, they fall in the same category as straight men.
  • If and when you fool around with a friend, know where the hell you are going with it, otherwise “it” will just be weird…thank the heavens we are still friends and it does not feel weird. I like him as a friend too much! I sometimes wonder what would have came from it if we let it progressed. I think in the end the fear of losing a friend was to a big a gamble for me. It is not that we were a bad match, I just got the feeling that he was never into it for the long term. Thinking back neither was I. You are an awesome dude, I hope you know that… and I hope and know that we will be friends for a long time!

The later part of 2009 brought with it a new man into my life, one that makes me mostly happy. We have been building slowly at something long term and most days it has been going great. We have our problems and issues but it is real and that friends is all that matter. When all is said, I love him and I know he loves me back. He might be plain according to himself, but I do not think of him like that.

2009 was indeed interesting, rock on 2010.

Peace and love this Christmas

MadMan Writing

I am bad


Ever had one of those days were somebody told you are a horrible person, without even knowing you? Well I have just had one of those…

It must be the crowning achievement of what has to be the worst two week run I had in a while and it is just Monday, heaven helps us what the rest of the week shall bring…

I just don’t know what to say to that. Clearly I am offensive then… It would also explain why my date of two weeks ago just dropped off the face of the planet…why the guy just stopped talking after I made a joke or the guy was too nervous to meet me on Saturday…

One look at these things and you wonder how I even accumulated any friends. I have tried so hard to be better, be helpful, be good at what I do, yet there is just no break coming is there? It makes one wonder why even try? I looked forward to the move and I have to wonder if that will not come to nothing as well, like the other things in my miserable life. Fuck…hope there is not any ladies reading because I had to hear this afternoon that it is bad manners to swear in front of a lady…

All that is left tonight is weep and type…what more can you say?

I am going to take a break for the next couple of days, stay offline and just try to find myself in this storm. What happened to the kid that was always happy, had a joke and was so care free?

Moving day


There are plenty to write about at the moment, so let me pick a topic that has generated a lot of excitement and anxiety in me. Moving…yes I am finally moving out. Some will argue that it is about time. To be honest, there are very few that will actually understand it. I have stopped a long time ago to explain it to people or to justify it.

I will not even try it here. I think I finally understand it myself. Part of the reluctance to move is my ultimate fear of being alone. It is a funny thing to say, especially coming from a loner and socially inept person.

But it is true, even though you keep to yourself and does your own thing; you still like the fact that there are people around you, even though you interact very little with them.

It is a little like society today. I see my best friend once every three months, yet we can talk daily via chat. I have more contacts today than I have ever had in my life. I probably talk to more people on a daily bases than what I have done before. Yet, when meeting them, I am still shy and still reserved, even though we have disclosed far worst things online.

So what is the big deal? You will still have the ability to talk to these people daily, why the fear of being alone? Is it because you know no one in the area, having someone you can just quickly pop into to say hi?

I think in the end, it is that need for human interaction, which drives even loners like me to either suicide or dating…Which one is worst, I don’t know…

my love


my mind remembers time
when 2 lovers met for joy
there was no pressure
just time to learn to play

like kids we rolled in hay
with no plan for tomorrow
or little respect
of what we doing

when it got serious
it was time to run
for I am not ready
to love the one

but I have been thinking
of you and life
and have been dreaming
of living and caring

I still see you, the man of men
the guy that lit my soul
I just wonder
what will be heaven

I miss your touch
your kiss
your mouth
but most, I miss your love

I ask patience
to learn to love
to be a friend
more than just lust

for you are special
in many ways
more that I
could ever say

what is love
I am not sure
but what we share
is great

that I can’t loose you
is for sure
what we have
I still don’t know

this is maybe best
because in love
there is no rest
just now and the best

time will tell
what heaven know
in a way that lovers
can only hope…



In the echoes of my mind
A storms has brewed
For days it has been dark
With no hope in sight

An act so shameful
Has undone all good
For I am back
In doubt for good

As the waves hit
I feel numb
Lost in flood
Of emotions undone

I have lost a soul
One I hold dear
For madness has killed
A trust of old

If time could reverse
And things be undone
How I wish
I have not done

But this is life
And pain is good
For it will serve
As warning for good