The year started with a desperate need to get back to New York for some reflection and perspective. Thinking back, I was a bit lost at the end of 2008 and I hoped that New York would give me freedom piece and direction again.
What I found instead was something unexpected. I found happiness, like I have never felt before. I met a wonderful man, one that validated my choices and proved to me that one can be happy, loved, and free in all things emotional and physical. For 8 weeks of my life, I was completely free and felt loved and appreciated for the first time in my life. Looking back, I knew that it could not last, but I could not care less. Nothing says gay and free like walking down the street of one of the greatest cities in the world holding hands with another man.
It is funny, because once I got home I felt trapped. How do I tell him I do not want this to continue? In the end, I was immature and stupid and I have hurt him greatly. Enzo if you read this, I hope one day you will find it in your heart to forgive me. I did love you and some days I hope I could be as happy as we were for those eight unforgettable weeks! You gave me that, and know that I will never forget you or our time shared.
What followed New York was probably some of the most exhilarating and fearful time in my life. If I was not on such a high after New York, I doubt I would have made it. In the end, I had some luck. I got a job just in time before I went insane and it has been good to me! I was lost in hell with my previous job, the challenges of working here have ignited my passion in me and for the first time in a while, I enjoy getting up in the morning to go to work.
Coming with the new job was also the second big change, moving out. What always sounded as an easy thing to do turn out to be not so easy. Finding a place, simple, yes? No! It took almost 6 weeks but in the end, I found the one, so much so that I ended up buying it! Now if anyone told me that at the end of 2009 I would be a homeowner I would say….NO WAY IN HELL!
Again, some luck was involved but I am very happy I did it. I am still terrified every time I think about it.
Relationships wise I made some good choices and some not so good. I made some very big mistakes and I have some regrets. In the end, I am mostly happy with the way things have turned out. The middle of 2009 I had several options going, looking to relive my feeling in New York. I could sum it up like this:
- I should have kissed him that afternoon, I have not seen him since, now I just wonder…
- The confused should be left confused, no happiness there, only pain, they fall in the same category as straight men.
- If and when you fool around with a friend, know where the hell you are going with it, otherwise “it” will just be weird…thank the heavens we are still friends and it does not feel weird. I like him as a friend too much! I sometimes wonder what would have came from it if we let it progressed. I think in the end the fear of losing a friend was to a big a gamble for me. It is not that we were a bad match, I just got the feeling that he was never into it for the long term. Thinking back neither was I. You are an awesome dude, I hope you know that… and I hope and know that we will be friends for a long time!
The later part of 2009 brought with it a new man into my life, one that makes me mostly happy. We have been building slowly at something long term and most days it has been going great. We have our problems and issues but it is real and that friends is all that matter. When all is said, I love him and I know he loves me back. He might be plain according to himself, but I do not think of him like that.
2009 was indeed interesting, rock on 2010.
Peace and love this Christmas