It has happen to all of us, we loose a friend. Why is this so hard for me? I have lost several friends over the years, mostly through my own doing.
As I sit and ponder my actions over the weekend, I fear for the worst, you see I have done it again…I have done something that has harmed a friend…as I have done countless times before.
I think my greatest fear is that I will be alone one day, no friends, relatives or family. As the age of 30 approach and my friends get married and have kids my own happiness is in stark contrast. I have no partner and changes are not looking good in finding someone to settle down with.
I think that’s why I have taken my friendships so serious of late. You need to work on them to maintain them, because ultimately, it is all that I have left to look forward too as I get older.
After so many years alone and withdrawn I have found it hard to trust people and to open up to them. My age old defence of joking and poking with their character to scare them off is still in place and I find that it has chased a lot of potential friends away.
It is hard to break old habits…one gets so use to your ways and mindset that it is not easy to see the bigger picture, the hurt that your actions can and will cause other. It is therefore even harder to make friends…
The hardest part is accepting and acknowledging this. I think that is why I struggle so much when ever there is a hiccup with a friend; it is the feeling of being helpless and feeling like a failure.
I am sorry for all the friends that I have wronged over the years; I have proved that I was no friend to you… I wish I could get you back…but alas, as one gets older, you realise that you have to live with your actions…no matter how hard or how badly you want to change them.